And then I tried to kill my husband

First, I offered him a brownie.

Then, I offered him a cupcake.

Then it was a bowl of ice cream!

Oh, did I mention my husband is diabetic?

No? Ah well...

Guess I'll have to eat the ice cream myself!

A bell, or a whistle, or a horn

My boss needs a bell. Or maybe a whistle. Or maybe a horn. Something that I can tune to a frequency that only I can hear, then install it in his shoe. I can install it in his shoe because I think he only owns one pair of shoes. Come to think of it, he wears the same shirt everyday too.  That way, when he's coming down my aisle I can hear him coming. You know, in case I'm ever on the internet when I'm suppose to be working. Wait, I'd never do such a thing. But he still needs a bell. Or a whistle. Or a horn.

My 'Disclaimer' will just have to wait and some blog changes

So, I've been trying to make some changes to my blog. I finally got my own custom background, changed my signature, and added a divider. Not sure if I like the divider though. I'll keep it for a while and see how it goes. Anyway, I've been trying out a navigation bar but feel like I should put up an 'about me' tab. So, I sat down to write the 'about me' info and started thinking... this is more of a 'disclaimer' then 'about me'. You know, like all the legal stuff you'd put before a potentially contraversial ad or commercial or something. 'Cause, seriously, I should come with a disclaimer. I am potentially harmful. James tells me all the time that I hurt his brain. That should be in the disclaimer too.

Like, last Saturday. James and his dad were gone ALL day taking their CCW class. James called me at one point to tell me that his dad's truck had a flat tire and they were going to call roadside assistance but needed the VIN # off the truck and asked if I would go get it. (They took James' truck in case you didn't get that) Of course, I told them I would and, of course, like I usually do.... I forgot. So James texts me about an hour later and asked if I got the VIN # off the truck yet. My response: "Honey, I can't get the VIN # off the truck. The truck is really high off the ground, so I would have to crawl onto the truck in order to get the #. And since it's raining, I'll probably slip and fall off the truck and hit my head on the way down. Since the truck is in the driveway, nobody will notice me lying there when the neighbors look out their window or walk by. And since I'm the only one home right now, it will be hours before I'm noticed, at which point I'll probably be dead. Do you want me to die? Wait, don't answer that." He text me back "You make my brain hurt" so I text him back "At least it takes the focus off your mouth, your welcome."

So, before I actually started writing my 'disclaimer' post, I decided to catch up on the bloggess. Now I have to wait until that flushes out of me, then I can try again.

Stalker Revealed. It was Me!

Dinner was had, clean up was done, boys were playing quietly. I took this opportunity to catch up on my facebook. I was scanning through my friends updates, when I see my girlfriend’s son had put the following as his status:

I’m bored, text me (***)***-****

(No quotations because I’m paraphrasing here). This boy, we’ll call him C, is in the 8th grade. Being the kind and wonderful person I am, I get a little concerned that my friend’s son is posting his phone # on the internet. Something I’m no ok with. Do I call his mother and kindly let her know so that she can have a chat with her son? No. Do I call him and tell him that I’m concerned about his safety and that he should remove his # from his status? Nope! I decide to play the stalker. You know, to teach him a lesson. I took no joy from this what-so-ever. Knowing that my phone # would not be programmed into C’s phone, I knew he would not know who I am. Here’s how the texting went:

Me: C, you should not be giving out your phone # on facebook. Then people like me can get and text stuff to you and you have no idea who I am.

C: Oh so that narrows it down to the 125 friends I have

Me: Unless some of those friends are all ready in your phone, then it narrows it down a little more. But I’m not one of your friends in your phone! Haha

C: No your not. What is thy current school thy is going to

Me: Now if I told you that, then you’d be able to narrow it down even more and ruin all my fun! And what fun would that be?

C: Ok, you have the are code *** so you are a resident of [a certain area]

Me: How many of your friends are in [a certain area] that are on your facebook and not in your phone?

C: Many

Me: Too bad! Guess the area code thing won’t narrow it down much. Now what are you gonna do?

At this time, I start texting his mom letting her know what was going on. She was thrilled!

C: Beat everyone down to a pulp

Me: Well now, that’s not very nice. Besides, who would you beat down?

C: Everyone who is my friend but I don’t have there number.

Me: How many would that be?

C: ikd

Me: That sounds like a lot of work to me. But, do you think beating down all your friends will get you the into your looking for?

C: Yes

Me: All right! Are you gonna keep texting me as the beat down commences or should I wait until your down?

C: ok just tell me

Me: Tell you what?

C: Your name

Me: I’ll give you my middle initial but that’s all.

C: Ok fine

Me: B

C: What’s your middle name: Be nice and give me a break

Me: I can’t tell you that. You see, my middle name is very gender specific, so if I gave you that then it would narrow it down even more. And that would ruin my fun.

C: Just tell me your middle name, who cares if I know your gender

Me: Maybe I care. What grade r u in?

C: What grade are you? I’m C, you should know.

At this point I text his mom asking what grade he was in

Me: I know your in 8th grade, I just wanted you to feel a little bit better about not knowing who I am. I know even more than that!

C: Like what?

Texting his mom asking what his middle name was

Me: Like your middle name

C: And what is it

Me: It starts with the letter right before mine!

C: That’s not possible

Me: What’s not possible?

C: My middle name starts with A

Me: I know, I just said that

C: What’s your name, I’m gonna cry

Me: I told you, it starts with a B. And will you take a pic and post it on fb?

C: of what?

Me: You crying

C: just about

Me: Ok ok, I’ll tell you something else I know about you

C: What?

Me: I know where you live

C: Haha really what’s my address

Me: How ‘bout if I just come over instead?

C: No you’ve just made it to my ignore list

Me: Who are you ignoring?

At this point I’m back on facebook chatting with his mom who’s telling me that C is very nervous! And James starts reading the texts and decides he’s gonna have his say too.

James posing as me: Don’t ignore me. That could turn out very bad for you.

James posing as me: Especially if I know where you live. Ignoring me would upset me and then I would have to pay you a visit.
Now I’m chatting with my friend on facebook asking for directions to her house.

C: I could sit outside with a gun. I can call the police if you don’t tell me who you are.

James posing as me: You could, but your dad keeps his guns locked up. How’s his shoulder?

In the car driving over to her house

C: MICHELE

Crafty kid had asked his mom for her cell phone on the pretext of playing a game then went through her text messages. It didn’t dawn on her to erase the text messages from me first.

Me: I’m coming over

C: No

Me: Yes

Me after arriving at the house: I’m here C, maybe you can hear the ding from my phone when you send me a text.

Then I knock on the door. I can hear C’s mom saying “C, someone’s here to see you!” She opens the door and C runs through the front entry way, but not quick enough before his mom, sister, and I grab him and I give him a great big hug and ask how my new friend is doing! He then runs off to his room and slams the bedroom door!

I had a lovely visit with my friend, but being that it was late, I had to get up early, and the whole purpose of going over there was to scare C a little, the visit was short. After getting into my car, I sent him one last text.

Me: Thanks for texting with me! I hope our boredom has been cured!

I haven't heard from C since.

As I crawled into bed, I started thinking C might be a little upset with me and the consequences might lead him to remove me from his friend list. But it was totally worth it!

I did log onto facebook the next morning and saw that he had deleted his status with his phone # and he did not remove me from his friend list. Perhaps I’ll be forgiven afterall!

I love my husband!

I got an email a few minutes ago from him complaining that my last post was on Tuesday Aug 4th and what was he suppose to do? Read the Aug 4th post again? Why not? It was totally inpiring. Actually, I have no idea what I wrote on Aug 4th, but I believe I was inspired to write it. Why else would I have written it? I guess he was just bored and wanted to read the twisted thoughts that sometimes run through my head. I try to keep them at bay, but at times they come out in my writing.

Some funny stuff that's gone on in our house lately:

John likes to mix up the names of the family members, so at times I'll be Papa, Dad will be mom, papa will be Gary, John will be Dad, and Gary will be mom - not necessarily in this mixed up way, but in some form someone is someone else. (Did that make sense?)

Anyway - the other day, I was Travis (a friend who stayed with us last week) Dad was mom, and John was dad. John walks up to his dad, and this is out the conversation went:

John: "Mom"

Dad: "Yea dad?"

John: "Can I go play in the playroom?"

Dad: "Sure"

John: "BOO YEAH" as he pumps his fists in the air

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Swine flu - When pigs used to fly
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My friend is not talking to me, again. And as much as I'd like to pretend I don't care, I really kinda do. Most of the time I'm angry and I wanna say hurtful things and just be done with the whole relationship, but the christian in me wants to extend grace and forgiveness, even when I don't think she deserves it. Afterall, isn't that was grace is? During these times of... ahem... waiting and quietness from my friend, I find I have to ask forgiveness from my Father all too often. My thoughts revert to what I would say when she decides to start talking to me again, and believe me, the conversations are NOT pretty. Or should I just confront her about it and find out what her problem is, again. Or just wait it out. Every time, the thoughts turn ugly, so I crank up the radio and listen to the christian songs reminding me of God's love, forgiveness, and what really matters. That God loves her, no matter what - and so should I.

Crap.

That usually kills the ugliness in my head and puts me at peace once more.